Rules of Engagement (Parties)

Photo Credit: Lunar Ink Invitations

Every now and then, I’m invited to an engagement related event where the host commits a major faux pas that grates against my Miss Manners expectations.  Now, I’m all about changing the rules on how things are traditionally supposed to be done, but there are certain lines that one should just never cross.  So, let’s talk about Engagement Party etiquette.

Who Hosts?

Usually the parents host, however if they’re not local it is then usually a close friend.  Since the bridal party already have a lot of prep that they need to do (e.g., bridal shower), it’s better that someone who’s not in the bridal party does the hosting.  I’m also totally fine with the couple hosting, though that is less normal.  And a bit awkward.

Who Pays?

The host *always* pays.  You should never ask your guests to pay (though, my personal exception is that I’m ok with paying when it’s at a restaurant – though Miss Manners would probably fall down and die for me saying that’s ok!!).  Most websites suggest though that if you can’t afford to pay for a party at a restaurant, then have the party elsewhere – like someone’s home – and offer just hors d’oeuvres.

Gifts?

Gifts are becoming more popular at US engagement parties (they’re the norm in Australia and other countries), but they should not be expected – nor should they be opened at the party.  I was recently invited to a party where the host asked everyone to contribute to a group gift – the way it was worded however, made it seem more compulsory than optional.  Be careful how you ask, if you even ask at all! (I would lean more towards not asking, and then if a group of guests wish to pitch in for a gift, then so be it).

Guest List

You must only invite those who are invited to your actual wedding.  I’m personally OK with inviting kids, even if you’re having an adults only wedding and reception. 

Timing

The engagement party is usually very close to the actual engagement date – so typically a year or 7+ months before the wedding.  If you have a crazy short engagement (like 3 or so months), I would scratch the Engagement Party all together, but it’s up to you.

Toasts

Usually the parents of the bride/groom do a toast to the engaged couple. If the parents aren’t attending, I’d suggest the host, or a close friend do the toast.

(The above etiquette guidelines are based on typical US weddings. Depending on your ethnicity or geographic location, some things listed here may be quite different!)