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This past wedding season I got a lot of questions from guests about etiquette so I wanted to share with everyone:

Question?

Reader Question:
How much do I spend on the wedding gift?

No one should think of this as a hard fast rule, but typically, guests are expected to give gifts that are equal to the cost of attending the wedding. In most metropolitan areas, that’s about $100 per person, less for suburbs. So if there are two of you, that’s $200 for a wedding gift. If you don’t know what to give, give cash. Most couples will not find it impersonal because many couples start their marriage with big holes in their pocket!

Question?

Reader Question:
I’m strapped for cash. What gift ideas do you have for me?

Yes, money is tight these days but it’s the same for the wedding couple. Of course, couples should not expect to be showered with extravagant gifts from everyone. For example, a friend who recently graduated from school and just joined the Peace Corps will not have the same expectations put on them as the I-Banking friend from NYC. Some couples will appreciate receiving a thoughtful gift that costs less than $100 but some may appreciate the cash more. I would gauge the gift depending on the couple. If you’re looking for some gifts that give a little more meaning but don’t cost as much, consider buying a gift that benefits a non-profit cause. Ten Thousand Villages sells crafts from around the world and gives their profit directly to the artist, usually living in a developing country. Shop either Tabletop or Home Decor. If these products were sold in a department store, they would go for much more. If the couple has a philanthropic heart, then donate using the I Do Foundation.

If you know of others that are strapped for cash, consider pooling together resources to get one nice expensive gift from a group of people.

Question?

Reader Question:
What if I don’t attend the wedding? Do I still need to give a gift?

It’s customary to send a gift even if you don’t attend the wedding. The wedding couple invited you with the intent of sharing their special occasion with you.

Question?

Reader Question:
How long do I have to give a gift?

It’s customary to give a gift up to a year after the wedding.

Question?

Reader Question:
What if I have guests that don’t give gifts, even a year after my wedding?

Hahaha. You can’t demand for a wedding gift. Keep in mind, sometimes things get lost in the mail, stores can mess up orders, etc. The fact that they don’t get a thank you card might tip them off. Or, you can still send a thank you card but thank them only for attending the wedding. The fact that you leave out thanking them for a gift might tip them off. If those clues don’t do anything, resist the urge to ask and consider it water under the bridge. There’s a perfect example from King of the Hill of what NOT to do:

King of the Hill - Wedding Gift Collection

King of the Hill - Wedding Gift Collection (Source: Hulu.com)

Etiquette can be seen as a best practice but of course, it’s not the absolute rule. Your decisions should be dealt with on a case-by-case scenario, and to maintain your relationships, leave your judgments at the door. :O)

by Christine | posted in Budget, Etiquette, Questions from Audience | 2 Comments »

Source:marisapage.wordpress.com

Source: marisapage.wordpress.com

I thought this might be a good topic to share with any future brides so they can realize that knowing what you want is sometimes less drama then being flexible.   Read David’s post about Wedding Day Drama, he is right on with his comments and the drama is sometimes unavoidable regardless.  I’m a pretty laid back person and I’m not a slave to fashion, or a wealthy debutant so I’m pretty flexible with a lot of the options I had for my wedding (especially the costly items).   I really wish I had been more bridezilla-ish.   I’m a little less then two months away from the big day so I guess now will have to be a good time to start!!!

Don’t feel bad about being a little bit of a bridezilla!!! I think being direct is going to be your best bet in planning a wedding and making decisions when they need to be made.  Mind you this does not mean disregarding all social norms and/or disrespecting anyone.

Real life Example 1 – Different sizes and shapes of bridesmaids.

Source: bestweddingdresses.net

Source: bestweddingdresses.net

Laidback Bride – Let them pick different style dress (same designer same color)

Result – Endless phone calls during the day while the girls went to different dress shops looking for the ones with the most options of that designer.  Also one called me and told me that this “dress was made for her” umm.. yes but it was made by another designer

B-Zilla Solution – Pick a dress and make them look alike – who cares right? Attention is on the bride=) (I’m just kidding but really it’s easier)

Real life Example 2 – Not being direct with Maid of Honor (MOH) on what I’m expecting from her (bridal shower, bachelorette etc)

Source: Susan Zoha

Source: Susan Zoha

Laidback Bride – There really wasn’t one, I went along with whatever was thrown for me, but dealt with the good friends vs. family disagreement of venues and locations

Result – (late in the game) I asked for just family – group of women at my mom’s house.   There ended up being a fight over location (I live in VA – my family and close friends live in CT) where now there is tension in the bridal party (that I was left off of all the e-mails so I still don’t know the details)  In the end everything was great, but I could have avoided the opinions of others by just stating my own.

B-Zilla Solution – Be direct very early on, if your priorities are different then your mothers or your MOHs then you need to be honest and let them know how you foresee the events happening.

Real life Example 3 –  Bachelor Party

Source: zazzle.com

Source: zazzle.com

Laidback Bride – I wasn’t really concerned with this as I was asked to be part of the surprise kidnapping.  I also helped with some accommodations since I was able to work out some deals.

Result – If you have a problem with any foreseeable things occurring let it be known early.  Well I’m sure most of you would guess=)

B-Zilla Solution – Demand the groom inform the best man of the restrictions on the bachelor party.  B-Zilla might want to follow up with the BM just in case she is worried.

Do you have any bridezilla stories you would want to share?  Any times you wish you were bridezilla?

by Joleen | posted in Etiquette, General Planning, Miscellaneous | No Comments »

Bridesmaids’ Duties

June 6th, 2009

According to my mom, in Chinese tradition, your bridesmaids’ duties only come into play the morning of the wedding day.  They help the bride get dressed and made up.  However, in this modern western world, the list of responsibilities is quite long and extraneous.  I once read on a list of bridesmaids’ duties: “Distribute slices of the wedding cake to the guests”.  Are you serious?  To my bridesmaids, I hope to see you either eating your OWN slice of cake or getting your groove on on the dance floor when that time comes.

Here are a few general duties before and the day of the wedding:

  1. Assist the bride with dress/accessory shopping and hair/makeup ideas.
  2. Help the bride with any ideas and planning she needs assistance with: invitations, rehearsal dinner, etc.
  3. Pass on any information of the wedding to attending guests.
  4. Plan the bridal shower and/or bachelorette party.
  5. Assist the bride in getting ready the day of.
  6. Maid of Honor will give a toast.

Not every wedding is the same, neither should the duties of the bridesmaids.   Also, every bridesmaid has a different personality, as well as relationship with the bride.  Take for example, one of my bridesmaids is my younger sister, who is married and runs her own business.  She admitted from the very beginning that it will be very difficult for her to commit any time to help with the wedding.   At the end of the day, she is my sister and all I want is to have her a part of my wedding.  It’s common amongst bridesmaids who live in a different city than the bride to really contribute before the wedding.  Luckily for me, my other bridesmaids are in NYC and have been very helpful throughout the past several months.

by Mel | posted in Etiquette, General Planning | No Comments »

DIY Thank You Cards

June 1st, 2009

While Miss Manners says that your guests have one year to give the Bride and Groom their wedding gift, you on the other hand, do not have one year to give them a thank you card.  Generally, six weeks after receiving the gift is acceptable.  While I *did* have good intentions, my procrastination meant that mine went out about three months after our wedding.  Oh well…

But this is not to say that you should do as I did!

In my attempt to get my thank you cards out really quickly, I decided to DIY my thank you cards shortly after making my invitations – that’s right, *before* my wedding.  The goal was to write in the cards as gifts came in so we could send them out as quickly as possible.  In the end, we decided to send out some wedding photos with our thank you cards, so we waited to send them until after the wedding. Since a lot of the cards were written in though (many of our friends sent our gifts to us prior to the wedding), it saved a lot of writing time later on.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I made my thank you cards match my invitations – this saved a lot of design time.  Here’s the finished product:

Our Thank You Cards (Version 1). Engagement photo by Laura Kay Photography.

I purchased the 8 1/2 x 11 brown cardstock and matching brown envelopes at the same time as ordering the paper for my invitations.  I cut the cardstock in half, width-wise, with a paper trimmer.  I had a paper scoring blade on my trimmer, so used that to cleanly fold all the paper in half.

I did the fronts of the thank you card in two batches – for those guests that gave us a gift prior to our wedding, I used an engagement picture on the front (photoshopped “thanks!” onto it).  Shortly after the wedding, I had our photographer send me one of our wedding pictures so that I could get it printed and added to our thank you cards.

Inside the Thank You Cards

I had some leftover off white linen paper from making another friend’s wedding programs a few years ago, so used that for the inside. I think I just glued it down with a glue stick.

Since the envelopes were brown, I got some sheets of Avery sticker paper (8 1/2 x 11 sticker) and fed it through my printer to make Martha Stewart wrap around labels.  This time, since I wasn’t using green wrapping paper, I made the background of the label lime green in MS Word, and changed my font color to white.  They were  a breeze to print, super easy to stick on, and I just cut them all up with my paper trimmer.  Yep, I shoulda done it that way for my invites! (You live, you learn!).

Now, if DIYing your Thank  You cards seems like complete overkill, I guess you could just buy some regular ones from Target.  But that’s no fun, is it? ;-)

For your interest, here’s the cost breakdown for 100 cards:

  • Brown cards – 10c each (50 sheets cost $10.99)
  • Envelops (A2) – 26c each (100 cost $26)
  • White Linen paper – free (I had it laying around)
  • Photo (mini from MPix) – 8c each (13 sheets of 8 cost $8.19)
  • White cardstock (leftover from invitations, I think we got 15 to a sheet) – 3c each (7 sheets at 50c each cost $3.50)
  • Green handmade paper – 6c each (1 sheet cost around $5 and I got about 80 strips from each one)
  • TOTAL: each card: 53c, total cost: $58 approx + tax, shipping and double sided tape (I used up all the green hand made paper for my wedding, so *my* cost was 53c per card – I factored in the cost of 2 sheets into the grand total).

by auschick | posted in Design Ideas, Etiquette | 2 Comments »

Ask Mr. Manners

April 22nd, 2009

I had a buddy yesterday ask me for my opinion on an etiquette-related question, since I’m in the wedding mindset. Here’s the question, paraphrased:

“Let’s say you invited your friend to your wedding, and he brought a significant other. Over a year passed by, and there was no gift from said friend. Now, he has invited you to his wedding. What do you do?”

When I heard this question, my first impulse was to go to Martha Stewart’s site to see what she’d say, but there was nada there. Thanks for nothing, Martha. I mean, I know etiquette calls for not expecting a gift, but let’s be real.

So I asked my buddy to provide some more info. Was the friend a close one, or just an acquaintance (he was a “good” friend, but not a “close friend)? Was his wedding local, or would you have to travel (would have to travel)?

It was tempting to say that tit-for-tat would’ve been the way to go, but after thinking about it some, I thought the best approach would be this. Since it was a distance wedding (is that even a term?), I’d either decline the invitation and just send them a middle-of-the-road gift from their registry, or I’d go, and just not be as generous as I’d normally be with my monetary gift.

Thoughts? What would you do? Are my responses too guy-like, or money-driven?

miser11

Note that at my wedding, we’ll be announcing gifts at the door, and anyone not bearing gifts will be sent home. Just kidding!

by David | posted in Etiquette | 4 Comments »

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